Meh.

The last time I lived in California, I carried this pervasive lack of permanency with me--I didn't buy any furniture (I literally slept on an air mattress, didn't own a TV, and only had items that I knew could be packed into my car), and that was on purpose. It was an interesting time. I didn't date. My jobs were non-committal. I almost made a concerted effort to not get too settled.

Since that time, I have found myself getting much more settled in several homes (in IL) and gathering many more belongings. I built a practice. I had routines. It felt good to do that.

So now that I find myself here in California again, with a 1-year lease and a verbal commitment to stay for a year, I am struggling with how temporary this situation is. This is my struggle: I cannot possibly live in Chicago year-round anymore, but when in California I am terribly homesick and have this temporary feeling surrounding everything.

The truth is, this IS temporary. It truly is. And I'm glad to have the experience of plunging into a semi-permanent life here, in order to show me what it is like when I STAY here--a fantasy that has continued to haunt me all these years. Granted, I am in Orange County (a place I HATE...have I made that clear?!), I still have a LOT of stuff back in Chicago, AND I am really only here to get research experience before applying to doctoral programs--all things that make this experience very temporary.

The problem is that I'm having financial problems (because it is VERY expensive to live where I'm living), my job situation is less than satisfying in every way, and I wonder all the time whether the research experience that I'm getting is actually going to help me get into a PhD program, or will it all be wasted time? Of course, it won't be wasted time, because it is good experience however you look at it. But the experience is draining my resources, because of its demands on my time & finances, and I could just be working and living in a much less expensive (and, let's face it, MUCH more personally satisfying) geographic area.

But, what's the alternative? Do I move back to Chicago? Meh. Not permanently, at least. Do I get a job and start procreating like the rest of the universe? Double meh. What DO I do? I just don't know.

I guess I'm still in limbo.

The good news is, I've been doing this for about 3 months now, and it's only 5 months until I take the GRE and really start preparing to apply to programs. By that time, I'll be (fingers-crossed) done with my master's thesis and ready to apply for jobs that require a master's degree, as I step it up and move to the next professional phase of my career.

Two months after that, I will have a master's degree and I will be planning my return back to Chicago--which, I anticipate, will happen in March of next year. I will then hang in Chicago until I find out the results of my applications. And I will work and save $$ for the summer. And then...???

Then...it's either begin attending a doctoral program or go back to the snowbird life, most likely. That is what feels like the best decision for me.

It's time to be at peace with not knowing what the hell the future holds!!! And, more than anything, to be at peace with feeling kinda "Meh" about any of the possibilities, really. Because, when the fantasy comes into being, it's not always the great thing you imagined. And that's. Ok.