Dark

I do believe I have reached a low point. Not since the dreariest of winter days have I felt so utterly hopeless, useless, and disappointed in life. I find myself angry, irritable, and crying just because I'm so unhappy, almost daily. The fact that I am in a sunny, warm place makes it that much worse, I think--life actually just really sucks right now.

I have reached a point where I am literally at a loss for how to move forward. I am miserable. I hate where I am. I hate that I spend almost every waking moment working and I am STILL going deeper into debt to afford to live here. The time that I spend working takes away time that I can spend participating in research (or any other life activity that moves my life/career forward), therefore making my current lifestyle an endless, exhausting pursuit of work/money to afford to live somewhere that I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being...getting absolutely nowhere.

That is fucking ludicrous!

Life has proven itself to be so continuously disappointing. It just never seems to get any better.

I am reminded of Facebook, where there are pockets of people who are always posting about how good life is. Or, only posting good things that make it seem like life is always good for them. Status updates about how happy they are. And the wonderful people in their life that make them happy.

That just makes it worse.

Why can't life be like that for me?? Huh?

Why doesn't anyone report on the futility of pursuing one's dreams? I mean, seriously, pursuing my dreams has seemed to only make me more miserable.

And optimism! Keeping a positive outlook! Well, that has only served to make me wonder why *I* can't seem to get it right. When I am hopeful and optimistic, excited even, well...I really only just end up depressed that real life is never as I had imagined.

And the fact that I post something heart-felt, something that tries to reach out to the deepest parts of other people, on Facebook or on my blog...and I get no response (as will probably happen with this post). Again, it makes me realize that apparently people just really don't want to face the fact that someone may be unhappy. No one wants a sad sack. Suck it up, bull up your bootstraps, get over it! Right?!

And then folks act surprised when someone, who seemed sad but no one realized the depth of their despair, ends up hanging from the rafters or on a shooting rampage or writing suicide notes about how they just couldn't make it happen. Duh, people!!

Get a fucking clue.