One of the most awkward parts of my life is realizing that I am just different than everyone else around me. Most of the time this is true. The times when I can relate and feel that I "fit in" is when I am around people in the alternative health or artistic community--dancers, massage therapists, yogis, healers, etc. Otherwise, though, there is usually something about me that makes me feel like an outsider in most social situations.
It never gets easier. It's just a constant issue, really. And I realized this again yesterday when I was at a lab meeting at UCI, where we met at a pizza restaurant for dinner (because our study has been so busy, the only time we could find to meet was for Friday night dinner!).
I sat there without eating, as usual. Which, of course, ALWAYS brings up some kind of discussion about WHY I am not eating, the story behind it, and constant refusals for ordering and sharing. With people who get used to it, though, it is kind of nice to just be able to sit and not deal with all of the attention.
It does continue to suck, though, regardless. I can't eat. Yesterday, I couldn't eat pizza. I had to smell it for an hour while the others chomped away. Then I went home to white rice (for the third time that day). I wanted to cry at the suckiness of it.
The other thing that sometimes happens is a discussion about family. Yesterday's event was full of students, young kids who are anticipating Mother's Day with their families this weekend. I HATE. HATE questions about family. Fuuuuuuuuck! WHY does everyone assume that everyone else has a normal family with two parents and the goddamn white picket fence, when obviously the typical American family is nonexistent???? And WHY does everyone assume that everyone else has parents who are living??
I'm tired of answering questions about it. So, I'm very illusive. Last night, for example, I was asked, "Do you have family around here?" and I said, "No." That lead to a question about where my family was (Warning!! Bad question!). I said I had some extended family in the Chicago area, but that I don't have much of a family. Then I said my sweetheart is in Chicago and I have my kitty cat here with me. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't care how it sounds. But, more than that, I'm tired of everyone else talking about their families. And I'm even more tired of people who have one or two live parents trying to relate to me and acting as if they could even pretend to know what my life is like.
Two things about that:
- You will NEVER understand what it's like until you live it. I'm sorry, but it's true. I don't care how closely related you are to me, if you knew my parents, OR if you have lost just one parent of your own. It's not the same. Even my relatives don't understand--they knew my parents, but they still have theirs (or, in the case of my older relatives, have very positive memories of them). Very little has changed for them, except for a missing person at family events--they still call and visit their parents as usual. I don't know one person who knows what it's like to be in my shoes. Because, and this leads me to my next point...I am no longer mourning the existence of my parents. I have mixed feelings about them. I am not really that sad that they're gone...
- Don't feel sad for me. I am not sad. I feel like a reject, that's what I feel like. I don't fit in. I can't relate to your stories about your parental visits, your arguments, your misunderstandings, etc. None of it. And I don't want to. I don't long for what I don't have. I just live my life how it is. And that involves ZERO contact with those adults who raised me, even just once a week phone calls or on monthly or semi-yearly visits.
It's really just annoying to have to explain it. Being without living parents should be a normal experience, as in asking everyone, "Are your parents still living?" and if not, "Oh, your parents are deceased. Okay. Who are you close to? What is YOUR life like?" rather than acting like it's some abnormal experience. Because when people act that way, it makes me feel like a freak and when I feel like a freak, I don't want to share anything with you.
Bottom line. I think about my visit to Ken & Denise's house in TX over Christmas, and you know what was so great about that?! They cooked me food based on MY strict instructions of what I needed...and they NEVER challenged it or complained about it or tried to convince me to eat something else if I said "No." And, they listened to me talk about my life and the people who have come and gone, relating to my feelings about it, never assuming anything, and trying to understand it from MY point of view. And I hope that my honesty helped them to open up to revealing their own ambivalent feelings about such issues--I think it did.
That was a perfect model for how I want to interact with people.
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