A quote for such days...

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."

–Carl Gustav Jung

I desperately want to believe that this is true, that happy people also experience equal amounts of darkness. Not because I want them to be miserable, mind you, but because I desperately need to know that others suffer in life, too--I want to know that I am not alone. I simply cannot bear to think that some people are endlessly happy and do not suffer, because that means there is probably something very different about me. I also want to believe that there is meaning in sadness. I do fervently believe that this is so.

I think a good mantra, which I strive to live by much more lately, is to "take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." After all, we do not get mad that the wind blows our hair, that the waves rock the boat, right? It just is. There is nothing we can do about it.

And so perhaps the lesson is to just step back and watch how the waves of sadness, darkness, frustration, etc., blow by.

And also to do the same with happiness...

Dark

I do believe I have reached a low point. Not since the dreariest of winter days have I felt so utterly hopeless, useless, and disappointed in life. I find myself angry, irritable, and crying just because I'm so unhappy, almost daily. The fact that I am in a sunny, warm place makes it that much worse, I think--life actually just really sucks right now.

I have reached a point where I am literally at a loss for how to move forward. I am miserable. I hate where I am. I hate that I spend almost every waking moment working and I am STILL going deeper into debt to afford to live here. The time that I spend working takes away time that I can spend participating in research (or any other life activity that moves my life/career forward), therefore making my current lifestyle an endless, exhausting pursuit of work/money to afford to live somewhere that I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being...getting absolutely nowhere.

That is fucking ludicrous!

Life has proven itself to be so continuously disappointing. It just never seems to get any better.

I am reminded of Facebook, where there are pockets of people who are always posting about how good life is. Or, only posting good things that make it seem like life is always good for them. Status updates about how happy they are. And the wonderful people in their life that make them happy.

That just makes it worse.

Why can't life be like that for me?? Huh?

Why doesn't anyone report on the futility of pursuing one's dreams? I mean, seriously, pursuing my dreams has seemed to only make me more miserable.

And optimism! Keeping a positive outlook! Well, that has only served to make me wonder why *I* can't seem to get it right. When I am hopeful and optimistic, excited even, well...I really only just end up depressed that real life is never as I had imagined.

And the fact that I post something heart-felt, something that tries to reach out to the deepest parts of other people, on Facebook or on my blog...and I get no response (as will probably happen with this post). Again, it makes me realize that apparently people just really don't want to face the fact that someone may be unhappy. No one wants a sad sack. Suck it up, bull up your bootstraps, get over it! Right?!

And then folks act surprised when someone, who seemed sad but no one realized the depth of their despair, ends up hanging from the rafters or on a shooting rampage or writing suicide notes about how they just couldn't make it happen. Duh, people!!

Get a fucking clue.

What Orange County Means to Me

Orange County. My current home.

Ick, did I just say that??

Well, this is what it means to me:

The OC means endless suburbia and no culture.
It means gated communities everywhere. As in, NO ONE lives anywhere that is not behind some kind of gate or fence.
It means no black people anywhere.
It means expensive (or, at least, very large) vehicles all over the roads.
It means car washes where you have to tip the Mexican guys to dry your car.
It means I am ALWAYS being tailgated.
It means flooring the gas pedal to race to the next stoplight, 500 feet away.
It means cars swerving all over the freeway, changing lanes without paying any attention.
It is a place where financial conservativism reigns, where every community is a planned community, where every thing (and every other town) is owned by a corporation, and the "free market" means franchised, cookie-cutter, overpriced services and no variety or competition.
It is where everyone came to find wealth through the real estate market, and now that it has tanked the people can't face reality.
It is where commercials, newspaper ads, billboards, and water cooler conversation is obsessed with plastic surgery.
It is where most of the people are middle aged and feel entitled.
It is a place where no one parks on the street. Ever. There is a parking lot or a parking space for everything.
It is a place where 80 degrees is FUCKING HOT and 60 degrees is freezing COLD.
Two clouds in the sky = a cloudy day.
Rain is always in the forecast but never really happens.
There are no drive-thru's at the bank.
In OC, as in all of southern California, there are crap-ass dips everywhere in the road. This creates a small river as the sprinklers run at night and drain into the sewers. So you get wet even when it hasn't rained in weeks.
OC has speed bumps. EVERY WHERE. I have to go over 6 each time I leave my apartment complex, and 6 each time I return.
OC means having to wait 5 minutes for the "Walk" signal every time you want to walk across the street. And then you nearly get run over every time. Because people aren't used to pedestrians here.
Traffic. Congestion. Shoot ME!
OC means packing laundry into the car and driving to a laundromat is MUCH more convenient than using the "Laundry Center" in my complex.
OC also means a 5-minute walk to get to my mailbox.

Alas.

Apology

I realize that my last post may have sounded very personal, like I meant something or someone specific when I was ranting about the obnoxiousness of certain Facebook posts.

Well, it wasn't specific.

And that means that it is not anyone's fault that their posts are annoying or depressing to me.

It's my fault.

I own the fact that I find normal life drab and completely uninteresting.

Yet, I am not sorry for that. Only for the offensive position I took.

Trimming Down

It has been an interesting week.

I have thought a lot about my life lately.

And I have decided that life needs some trimming down.

I'm starting with Facebook. I have noticed, in the last few months particularly, that Facebook has become a major contributor to me feeling more miserable about life than I want to feel. I have pondered leaving it altogether, but just haven't yet. And now I know I am going to pare it down and not be involved with it so much anymore.

The thing is, my Facebook News Feed bombards me with loads of information about people (and their ideas) that ranges from mildly annoying to deeply disturbing. It's not just the Feed and it's not just my "friends"--it's their friends, commenting on threads and saying things that really bother me and cause my inner world to focus on stupid bull shit that I really don't need. The stupid bull shit isn't just bull shit, it's stuff that tends to make me really emotional (because that's how I am) and before I know it...my day is ruined, or at least negatively altered, by some pseudo-cyberworld interactions with strangers who I don't give a rat's ass about!!

Sigh.

I have come to the conclusion that social media is not a positive thing. For me, at least. I really want to be either a) Alone with my thoughts and doing something productive (or, at least, just pausing in life without stimulation, or b) In the *real* company of others, doing things that really matter.

And then there is the straight fact that Facebook just leaves me feeling empty and bad about myself. The short quips about one's status tend towards either bitching-and-moaning about the daily grind (yawn) or those who constantly express their desire to be positive about how wonderful their life is (yawn). Either way, it's empty and dissatisfying. There is also the heavy emphasis on family, one's children, one's 9-5 job (and TGIF shit that I hate reading, because it doesn't really apply to me), how sick one is (and the bodily fluids they are spewing at any given moment), the sports he/she is watching, the food he/she is eating, and other drivel about one's life. Ugh. If this is life, I find myself thinking, how can I make it STOP?? I feel like Atlas carrying the weight of everyone's life on my shoulders.

Seriously, this site has drained my passion.

So, I'm not going to do any of those status updates anymore. I think I will keep my account, but just to stay connected.

Otherwise, I would like to spend more time in quiet meditation (i.e., self-induced altered states of consciousness), active in the sunshine, going to FREE yoga classes at my new workplace (!), and connecting with others in my current community--because, as obnoxious as Orange County is to me, it IS where I currently abide, so I might as well make the best of it. For example, on Sunday there is a drum circle being held at the place where I work (right at the end of my workday...perfect!), and there are movie nights and workshops, etc. Why would I not participate in these things?!

Looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to trimming down in other areas--i.e., material things, expenditures...

The mental cleansing always accompanies a cleansing in the material world, eh?

Blooming

Time for a happier post. Things have finally calmed down, I think. I am sleeping 'til 9am, embracing my late nights, and taking care of myself in terms of exercise and self-care. I started working at a yoga studio that pays me well and is an ABSOLUTE place of respite and peace--the environment there is just so wonderful and in-line with me. I feel very blessed to work there. I'm even more glad that I found such a place in this area--a place of like-minded people! And the best part is, my clients love me! What is there about working at a place where the clients expect good bodywork, actually get it, and express their appreciation for it? Gosh. It's like the customers of that horrible franchise that employed me just expected bad massages, so they assumed mine was bad.

But mine ain't bad, baby.

In other news, I am teaching a different class now, which also helps my psyche. I am actually teaching massage (not anatomy), *Swedish!*, and that makes my soul happy. The best part is that I am teaching a whole new group of students. The whiners are gone. Yippeee!

I have been doing a lot of jogging lately. It makes me feel really good. I still cannot jog the whole time, even after 1.5 years of this, but that's okay. I'm glad to get the sunshine and the endorphin buzz. I'm thinking about doing a 5k on Memorial Day in my town with Leo--he's starting to train for a triathlon in September, so it would be a good start for both of us. I will probably do a 1/2 and 1/2 of jogging/walking, but it would be fine. I do about that distance on my jogs anyway.

I only have two reservations. One--all the people. I really don't like jogging around people. It makes my heart palpitate and I guess I just have social anxiety about it. I like being alone.

My second reservation is that the race starts at 7am. SEVEN IN THE MORNING!!! Good GOD!! I think that will just do me in. I don't think I can do that.

I took some pictures of the trail that I have been testing out lately. It's only steps away from where I live, and a continuation of the trail around my favorite park--although it is NOT my favorite park on Saturdays (read: Soccer/breeder Hell). It reminds me of the forest preserve trails in the prairies in the midwest. Grassy and breezy and sunny and QUIET:


This one snakes through a canyon that parallels a creek, so it has very gentle rolling hills. So, unlike the midwest, there are hills:


And, characteristic of southern California (and something that I LOVE about this area), you see views of the buildings/houses that sit atop the mesas in the distance. Note the wildflowers, too:


We've had two whole days of overcast here, which is VERY rare. I can't remember the last time the sun didn't really pop out all day--at least 2-3 months. But that's actually OK, because I love going outside so much, and I'm starting to get really sun-kissed, if you know what I mean! It's a good time for a break. Plus, the humid-rainy weather reminds me of summertime storms and rain. And those are lovely.

Meh.

The last time I lived in California, I carried this pervasive lack of permanency with me--I didn't buy any furniture (I literally slept on an air mattress, didn't own a TV, and only had items that I knew could be packed into my car), and that was on purpose. It was an interesting time. I didn't date. My jobs were non-committal. I almost made a concerted effort to not get too settled.

Since that time, I have found myself getting much more settled in several homes (in IL) and gathering many more belongings. I built a practice. I had routines. It felt good to do that.

So now that I find myself here in California again, with a 1-year lease and a verbal commitment to stay for a year, I am struggling with how temporary this situation is. This is my struggle: I cannot possibly live in Chicago year-round anymore, but when in California I am terribly homesick and have this temporary feeling surrounding everything.

The truth is, this IS temporary. It truly is. And I'm glad to have the experience of plunging into a semi-permanent life here, in order to show me what it is like when I STAY here--a fantasy that has continued to haunt me all these years. Granted, I am in Orange County (a place I HATE...have I made that clear?!), I still have a LOT of stuff back in Chicago, AND I am really only here to get research experience before applying to doctoral programs--all things that make this experience very temporary.

The problem is that I'm having financial problems (because it is VERY expensive to live where I'm living), my job situation is less than satisfying in every way, and I wonder all the time whether the research experience that I'm getting is actually going to help me get into a PhD program, or will it all be wasted time? Of course, it won't be wasted time, because it is good experience however you look at it. But the experience is draining my resources, because of its demands on my time & finances, and I could just be working and living in a much less expensive (and, let's face it, MUCH more personally satisfying) geographic area.

But, what's the alternative? Do I move back to Chicago? Meh. Not permanently, at least. Do I get a job and start procreating like the rest of the universe? Double meh. What DO I do? I just don't know.

I guess I'm still in limbo.

The good news is, I've been doing this for about 3 months now, and it's only 5 months until I take the GRE and really start preparing to apply to programs. By that time, I'll be (fingers-crossed) done with my master's thesis and ready to apply for jobs that require a master's degree, as I step it up and move to the next professional phase of my career.

Two months after that, I will have a master's degree and I will be planning my return back to Chicago--which, I anticipate, will happen in March of next year. I will then hang in Chicago until I find out the results of my applications. And I will work and save $$ for the summer. And then...???

Then...it's either begin attending a doctoral program or go back to the snowbird life, most likely. That is what feels like the best decision for me.

It's time to be at peace with not knowing what the hell the future holds!!! And, more than anything, to be at peace with feeling kinda "Meh" about any of the possibilities, really. Because, when the fantasy comes into being, it's not always the great thing you imagined. And that's. Ok.

I have heat!! And...on being a weirdo.

The weather has been amazing here. Sunny and hot! I love that it seems to be summer already in May. It is a unique kind of sun/heat mix, though, because it is really hot during the day, with the sun beating down--and the car gets HOT! However, once the evening rolls around, it gets really chilly. I usually need a jacket. It must be the dry air.

One of the most awkward parts of my life is realizing that I am just different than everyone else around me. Most of the time this is true. The times when I can relate and feel that I "fit in" is when I am around people in the alternative health or artistic community--dancers, massage therapists, yogis, healers, etc. Otherwise, though, there is usually something about me that makes me feel like an outsider in most social situations.

It never gets easier. It's just a constant issue, really. And I realized this again yesterday when I was at a lab meeting at UCI, where we met at a pizza restaurant for dinner (because our study has been so busy, the only time we could find to meet was for Friday night dinner!).

I sat there without eating, as usual. Which, of course, ALWAYS brings up some kind of discussion about WHY I am not eating, the story behind it, and constant refusals for ordering and sharing. With people who get used to it, though, it is kind of nice to just be able to sit and not deal with all of the attention.

It does continue to suck, though, regardless. I can't eat. Yesterday, I couldn't eat pizza. I had to smell it for an hour while the others chomped away. Then I went home to white rice (for the third time that day). I wanted to cry at the suckiness of it.

The other thing that sometimes happens is a discussion about family. Yesterday's event was full of students, young kids who are anticipating Mother's Day with their families this weekend. I HATE. HATE questions about family. Fuuuuuuuuck! WHY does everyone assume that everyone else has a normal family with two parents and the goddamn white picket fence, when obviously the typical American family is nonexistent???? And WHY does everyone assume that everyone else has parents who are living??

I'm tired of answering questions about it. So, I'm very illusive. Last night, for example, I was asked, "Do you have family around here?" and I said, "No." That lead to a question about where my family was (Warning!! Bad question!). I said I had some extended family in the Chicago area, but that I don't have much of a family. Then I said my sweetheart is in Chicago and I have my kitty cat here with me. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't care how it sounds. But, more than that, I'm tired of everyone else talking about their families. And I'm even more tired of people who have one or two live parents trying to relate to me and acting as if they could even pretend to know what my life is like.

Two things about that:

• You will NEVER understand what it's like until you live it. I'm sorry, but it's true. I don't care how closely related you are to me, if you knew my parents, OR if you have lost just one parent of your own. It's not the same. Even my relatives don't understand--they knew my parents, but they still have theirs (or, in the case of my older relatives, have very positive memories of them). Very little has changed for them, except for a missing person at family events--they still call and visit their parents as usual. I don't know one person who knows what it's like to be in my shoes. Because, and this leads me to my next point...I am no longer mourning the existence of my parents. I have mixed feelings about them. I am not really that sad that they're gone...
• Don't feel sad for me. I am not sad. I feel like a reject, that's what I feel like. I don't fit in. I can't relate to your stories about your parental visits, your arguments, your misunderstandings, etc. None of it. And I don't want to. I don't long for what I don't have. I just live my life how it is. And that involves ZERO contact with those adults who raised me, even just once a week phone calls or on monthly or semi-yearly visits.

It's really just annoying to have to explain it. Being without living parents should be a normal experience, as in asking everyone, "Are your parents still living?" and if not, "Oh, your parents are deceased. Okay. Who are you close to? What is YOUR life like?" rather than acting like it's some abnormal experience. Because when people act that way, it makes me feel like a freak and when I feel like a freak, I don't want to share anything with you.

Bottom line. I think about my visit to Ken & Denise's house in TX over Christmas, and you know what was so great about that?! They cooked me food based on MY strict instructions of what I needed...and they NEVER challenged it or complained about it or tried to convince me to eat something else if I said "No." And, they listened to me talk about my life and the people who have come and gone, relating to my feelings about it, never assuming anything, and trying to understand it from MY point of view. And I hope that my honesty helped them to open up to revealing their own ambivalent feelings about such issues--I think it did.

That was a perfect model for how I want to interact with people.

Calm is Coming

I have finally uploaded some pictures of my life here, so continue reading to see them...

I think I finally have a calm week on my hands. Last week was just as crazy as previous weeks, and as I came into the weekend I realized how sleep deprived, malnourished, and wound up/sick I was from the stress of it all. I believe I unwound over the weekend, but I am no longer going to allow any of the BS get to me. I am at peace with the fact that my teaching job is just simply NOT worth the stress--16 hours of paid work per week, many more unpaid hours of preparation, 16 HOURS of straight teaching of anatomy (oy vey!), and a ton of blaming (all to me) for everything that goes wrong. Nope, it ain't worth it. One look at my paycheck for the last two weeks, and I thought, "Why am I this sick when this is all I'm getting paid?" Crazy. I am almost hoping that I get laid-off when my next two classes are done (because, technically, I am subbing for a teacher who is on maternity leave) or fired. I've never been on unemployment, and I think it would be fun.

I interviewed at a yoga studio for a massage gig. It's a really wonderful place, it has a store and several rooms, plus a wellness center. It smells good, it has relaxing music playing, and the job pays well. AND, they offer other alternative therapies like hypnotherapy. AND they offer classes. So, yeah. I'm happy about that. And I gave that woman one of the best massages of her life, so I'm in. Hurrah.

Summer is practically here in southern CA. It's been so NICE!! I can't remember the last time it rained, and I can't even remember a day when it was cloudy most of the day. It's warm and sometimes it's hot. Yey. Everyone keeps warning me about "June Gloom," though, which is a weird phenomenon where it gets foggy and cloudy during May/June. We'll see. I vaguely remember this from living in San Diego--lots of marine layer & clouds, especially at the beach, which usually burned off in the afternoon. Not too shabby.

And now for the pictures. My kitty cat has been especially clingy lately. It's unlike her, actually. She spends a lot of time in my lap:

And I have this big 750 sq. foot apartment all to myself, so now you get to see what my daily life looks like. Here is the bedroom, with the king-sized bed Leo & I bought, complete with a cardboard box for a nightstand (covered with green fabric):


Okay, Blogger sucks, and I can't find a way to change the order of the pictures, so they'll have to stay in the order I uploaded them. Here is a snail that crossed my path in the courtyard of the chiropractic office I've been working at! I don't believe I have ever seen a snail crawl past me before. Apparently, though, they are quite common here and a bit of a nuisance (they eat the flowers or something):


Here is a picture of my living room as I worked on my thesis last week. Yikes. This has been a lot of work, but I did manage to complete a good solid (final?) draft of my proposal last weekend, so I'm moving forward, yay!


Here's the view out of my patio. Not too interesting, but you can see the southwestern influence on the buildings:


And my living room when it's clean:


And the flip side of the living room:


And this is my desk. See? I really do have a real-time home set up. It's a little more like a college dorm, furniture-wise, but it works. I don't have to sit on the floor or anything. (Note the cat passed out on the floor.)


This is a nearby park that I've been jogging around. It is not interesting in any way. It has a squiggly loop around the parameter, so it works well. The only annoying part is the soccer games that fill up with breeders on the weekends. Oops, did I say that?! Sorry, don't mean to offend. But, holy hell, these people are annoying. They and their brats just run all over the path, balls flying everywhere....I f'ing HATE soccer!! Ugh. I need to find a better place to jog on Saturdays:


That's it for now. I am still little bits of homesick, finding myself looking ahead to the fall/winter/spring of the coming year so that I can figure out what the future will hold. Leo & I are trying to do the one-visit-per-month thing, with each of us alternating months. It's hard, though, even to do that, because we are both so busy. His business is going well, and I'm all over the place with all of my curriculars and extra-curriculars. I'm still planning my next visit for late June, for over a week, but my thesis chair/professor may be screwing it up for me--she is traveling and unavailable between mid-May and mid-June, and after telling me that I could propose my thesis in late-June she is now telling me that it probably won't be possible and why did I book my ticket?? Ugh. So, who knows, I may just be coming in June AND July. At least it will be summertime!

All of this and I'm spending SO MUCH money to be out here--it's crazy! Rent is SO high, utilities are all separate (including water and trash!!), and life is just stressful. So, I have a lot of ambivalence. As usual. Sigh. Life goes on...