So. What Now?

I felt so crappy in my PMS phase, last week and just before that, and then so AMAZING when I started bleeding (as usual)...that I actually thought my recent despondence was completely hormonal. After all, my periods have not been "on-time" for two months in a row now (a very UN usual occurrence for me--HELLO STRESS!), I thought it was truly possible that hormones were to blame.

Well, no. I'm back to feeling down in the dumps.

I think I actually had a day or two that didn't include shedding tears. Wow.

I am now planning to drastically alter my future plans in order to, as a very wise colleague said to me recently, follow my heart. My heart & soul do not belong here in Orange County. I am miserable. I feel equivalent to how I feel in Chicago during the winter. Except that I'm not freezing my ass off at the moment.

So this has been a HUGE learning experience. Right? What I know is that I would have NEVER known that I would feel like this at this point. I would have never guessed that the decisions I made to move here would leave me feeling this awful. But they did. And although I committed to staying for 1 year, even 6 months of research experience and teaching experience is pretty significant. I went for it and decided to "try" to build a life here, but with all of my effort it just isn't what my heart truly wants.

I don't know what it IS that I truly want, but the list of "No"s is growing. Perhaps my heart is truly a snowbird? Perhaps I will always be a Chicago girl? Perhaps San Diego is my home in paradise? I dunno. With all of the hassle of the back-and-forth, I am thinking that it is truly what is meant to be for me--being in one place just never makes me happy.

And so it goes. I am a wanderer at heart. I can't be pinned down, I suppose.

Sigh.

In a few days I will move out of the Orange County apartment that I have lived in for 3.5 months. I know where I am going, but I'm not going to report it until it happens. It is some place much more temporary. And cheaper. Because I'm just not makin' it now.

And I am going to transition back to Chicago for a little while, after some obligations are met here, and then I will commit to not committing. The back-and-forth continues...