Humble Pie. Mmmmmm.

What an interesting journey this is.

Just when I thought I could never be as unhappy as I am during a Chicago winter....

When I thought that daily sunshine and mild temperatures, coupled with a well-matched research opportunity, would be the most-certain antidote to my long-standing ambivalence...

Well, the gloom rolled in, just like the marine layer in a southern California June:


Ya just really don't notice what it is, how powerfully it blocks the sun...and how soon it comes upon you...


And then, there it is:


In a land where every single freaking person is down on their luck, having lost everything because of the real estate crash, and middle-aged professionals are living paycheck-to-paycheck and won't be able to retire, but STILL manage to fill the streets & freeways with BMW's, Infinities, Mercedes, and Lexuses everywhere you look...

In a land as plastic and substantive as a fucking Disneyland ride (and in the same geographic region), where "WORK WHERE YOU MUST BUT LIVE AND SHOP IN TUSTIN" pretty much sums up the greedy, capitalistic attitude of this godforsaken place (Orange County, CA):


(Ironically, I do work in Tustin, so fuck them.)

Where even the Yellow Cabs are BLACK PRIUSES!!! (Yeah, I know! WTF?)


(Although I have found an interesting place, an archery range, near one of my FOUR part-time jobs, along the route where I take my students walking 2 times per week:)



...Well, the truth is that I am done with the whole "Get an apartment and live like an Orange County gal," because that is most certainly NOT what I am.

It really is weird to talk to people (mostly colleagues and my massage students) about my background/history and where I am from--because it is so foreign to them.

My apartment was ruining me financially, seeing as it was costing me nearly $1,400 per month in rent and utilities, while I am making wages that are utterly humiliating to me and force me to work FOUR part-time jobs, every day of the week (no days off), just to be able to "afford" to BE here. Nope. Not going to do it.

The big news is that I have moved into a place that is much more temporary, portable, and "me":


Yep. I bought a trailer. I'm not done RV'ing yet...


And I have only lived there for about a week and a half, but Jane digs it, and I have it parked in a very secluded, pretty place in the hills of OC, where I don't even have cell reception or wifi (Yikes). It's a Catholic retreat center, actually--with a small RV park.


So, it's been a time of transition. Another move. Constant work. Literally NO rest. Most definitely THE most stressful time in my life. But there is a light, where previously there was none.

I've informed each of the 5 jobs (both paid and volunteer) that I am intending to go back to Chicago for a bit at the end of the summer in order to take better care of myself and restrategize for this time of my life. I've tried to sublet my apartment, but have been tremendously unsuccessful--so, the evil corporation that manages my place (and has offered no solution to my insistence that I must leave) will likely ruin my credit when I vacate the place and pay no more rent next week.

Many people (i.e., the folks at UC Irvine who I am volunteering for) seem rather upset with me, that I am leaving after committing to 1 year of being there. But, for the first time in a couple of months now, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I don't feel suffocated by what lies ahead. I look forward to being in a place where I feel like I fit in. No more 23 year-olds who are bank-rolled by their parents and have no empathy for my stressful lifestyle that requires that I fully support myself. No more plastic planned communities. No fast drivers. Well, at least until I decide to go back. And I am becoming more and more content with the fact that my true nature requires the back-and-forth lifestyle.

For the moment I am in Chicago for a week, to work on my thesis and to enjoy being home. I've been here for two days, and already I've had more rest than I've had in months in OC. It's so good to be home. It's good to be in our house, to go out to our garden, to be where it's cozy and comfortable.

With that, I leave you with a picture of Leo and his pink "Team in Training" flip-flops--he's training for a triathalon, ya know:

So. What Now?

I felt so crappy in my PMS phase, last week and just before that, and then so AMAZING when I started bleeding (as usual)...that I actually thought my recent despondence was completely hormonal. After all, my periods have not been "on-time" for two months in a row now (a very UN usual occurrence for me--HELLO STRESS!), I thought it was truly possible that hormones were to blame.

Well, no. I'm back to feeling down in the dumps.

I think I actually had a day or two that didn't include shedding tears. Wow.

I am now planning to drastically alter my future plans in order to, as a very wise colleague said to me recently, follow my heart. My heart & soul do not belong here in Orange County. I am miserable. I feel equivalent to how I feel in Chicago during the winter. Except that I'm not freezing my ass off at the moment.

So this has been a HUGE learning experience. Right? What I know is that I would have NEVER known that I would feel like this at this point. I would have never guessed that the decisions I made to move here would leave me feeling this awful. But they did. And although I committed to staying for 1 year, even 6 months of research experience and teaching experience is pretty significant. I went for it and decided to "try" to build a life here, but with all of my effort it just isn't what my heart truly wants.

I don't know what it IS that I truly want, but the list of "No"s is growing. Perhaps my heart is truly a snowbird? Perhaps I will always be a Chicago girl? Perhaps San Diego is my home in paradise? I dunno. With all of the hassle of the back-and-forth, I am thinking that it is truly what is meant to be for me--being in one place just never makes me happy.

And so it goes. I am a wanderer at heart. I can't be pinned down, I suppose.

Sigh.

In a few days I will move out of the Orange County apartment that I have lived in for 3.5 months. I know where I am going, but I'm not going to report it until it happens. It is some place much more temporary. And cheaper. Because I'm just not makin' it now.

And I am going to transition back to Chicago for a little while, after some obligations are met here, and then I will commit to not committing. The back-and-forth continues...

Lots Going On

Leo came to town over Memorial Day weekend, and it was a great visit. It was a very productive visit, as we got a lot accomplished as well as being able to do some fun (for us) things.

My favorite part was going to San Diego (a 1.5 hour drive south). Our condo has been vacant for almost a month, because our last tenant decided to just bail when she got laid off and couldn't pay her rent. Our management company sent us a list of repairs and cleaning tasks, which of course they wanted to charge us (literally) thousands to accomplish. So, we said TO HELL with that and went down there ourselves to get the job done. It worked out well with the timing of Leo's visit.

Oh. I MISS me some San Diego!! Oh Lordy. Southern California is not the same all over, darlings. San Diego is where it's AT. Orange County (where I am currently at) is HELL. And our condo in San Diego is even better to visit, since it's so close to the beach. And summertime is simply sublime.

We (read: Leo) went out to eat at Joe's Crab Shack on the beach, and this was my view:


It was so great just to walk around for a bit. We had a lot of work to do, so we only took a short break, but it was fabulous.

I also took a picture of the local Fatburger, to prove that YES it does exist:


Most of our day was spent in the condo, though:

Cleaning and repairing stuff...


One of the smartest moves, on our part, was to buy these lights:


...to replace these lights (one of which was broken by the tenant):

And, since Leo is training for a triathlon, he insisted on trying on some new goggles at Target. So much for a quick stop for shampoo:


We obviously had a lot of fun with this task:


We also stopped at car dealerships to look at cars, since Leo's car is literally falling apart and he's in the market. It was a good chance to go shopping together. We started at a Ford dealer. We got a dirty look the second we parked my car in the lot, when someone looked at my Illinois plates. Well, those jerks told us that he couldn't test drive a car because he didn't have California car insurance--which is a load of bull shit. They didn't want to waste their time on us if we were from out of state.

Well, as luck would have it, I had locked my keys in the ignition of my car, so we were then stuck there for over an hour to wait for roadside assistance to get to me. At that point, another salesman approached us and discovered that the other salespeople had dumped us, and seemed shocked and pissed. So, he proceeded to romance Leo into buying a car, saying he would do everything he could to make it up to us....blah, blah...he was very convincing!!

After over an hour of this, with roadside assistance there and gone, Leo had test drove a car and the salesman was telling us how much money they were going to lose on us but it was worth it to keep a customer. He started using more and more pressure and Leo loves to negotiate so he bit. After a while, Leo made it MY responsibility to be the bad guy and make up an excuse that we had a dinner obligation and had to GO. He was totally thinking about getting that car, though, and having it shipped to IL, etc. He is a SUCKA for making a deal (that's what he does for a living!!).

Finally, we left. It was like pulling a 5-year old away from a candy store.

The whole ride home, I convinced him that he wasn't getting a good deal (like the salesman kept telling him--as he BEGGED him to stay!!), obviously they are playing him like they play everyone else and they are SO going to make just as much money on him as anyone else.

Plus, how stupid is that--to test drive ONE make and model of car and then buy it right there without doing ANY research??

I think it worked. We didn't go back the next day, and we went to a Toyota dealer with a VERY low-pressure sales lady, then test drove a Nissan...And he's going to get a Toyota. In Illinois. After doing lots of investigation. YEY! It's the car I wanted him to get too! Hurrah for sensibility.

I did my share of shopping and investigating last weekend, too, but I'm not going to share about it yet. Suffice it to say that I'm making a HUGE change in my life here (sigh...again), which I am confident will provide a change in my financial and emotional situation. Things are falling into place, and this month things will happen.

I am still feeling fairly despondent. I am sick and tired of working all the time. I am feeling more confident in my work hours and routine, however, but I just feel so useless as far as being here in Orange County. I was just at a UCI lab meeting tonight, and I don't feel like I'm appreciated for what I have to offer. My main advisor/mentor, who has been tremendously warm and supportive (and who brought me aboard) is on maternity leave, so I do not have an ally. So much is being demanded of me, especially as one of the few volunteers (and the ONLY one, I am convinced, who has as much education and as much responsibility outside of the lab). And so much is being denied of me because of my other life responsibilities (i.e., work, work scheduling, etc.). So fucking unfair.

Hopefully this next life change will enable me to find some solace and purpose in being here, as well as a feeling that I can be more flexible. I have just felt so trapped lately.