Slowing Down

Life is slowing down. I'm not sure if I like it. But I am sure that it has to be a good thing.

The fast pace of my southern California adventure is a fleeting memory. I remember thinking, as I was there, in the moment...someday this will all be a figment of my imagination. And now it is. Aaaaahhhh. (That was a sigh of relief.)

But now I find myself in a strange place. Not zooming forward, trying to get 'er done. Just standing still and slowing down. I am doing massage again--fairly full time. I am on a plateau with school. I am pondering the option of not moving forward in some arenas. I am planning to just live. And adjust. Not pursue.

It is hard.

This should be a rest. But it doesn't really feel like a rest. A rest would feel peaceful. A rest would (ideally) be rejuvenating. And this time in my life feels like a makeover. A peeling-away and a restructuring. And, yet, at the same time--paying the dues for the consequences of my actions, as a result of the crazy pursuit in California. Nope, this is definitely not rest.

I worked hard, fucked up, and now I am still working hard.

And, wow. The realization that I am most definitely NOT where I thought I would be after all of this. Not where I wanted to be.

So. I start over. Tail between my legs. Humble Pie. On to month #3 in Chicago, with no real plans to change anything. Yet.